Strangers by Anita Brookner

Author:Anita Brookner
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780141911267
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2009-08-06T04:00:00+00:00

15

He decided that he was not cut out to be a householder. Although he had always registered a strong desire for a space to call his own, the walls surrounding such a space were a matter of indifference to him, almost an irrelevance. Each arduous purchase had left him unsatisfied. Yet again, the idea of an hotel entered his mind. The ideal hotel, wherever it might be, should be in the centre of a great city. He must be able to step out into a radiant morning and return in the blue haze of early evening. After this vision the idyll faded somewhat, or perhaps imagination gave out. What business would he have in that city? How would the intervening hours be spent? Better, surely, to be safe at home, with no one to call him to account. Cocooned by an absence of witnesses, he was nevertheless in need of an audience, and of companions who knew him so intimately that he need never explain himself. Yet the image of anonymity, of which the hotel was the symbol, pursued him, much as his earlier memories of the old house had pursued him, until they died of their own accord.

The image came to him again, as did the conviction that he must change if he were to make his remaining time tolerable. How this was to be achieved was unclear. It came in the form of an energy which occasionally disturbed his habitual sense of loss. He had limited – very limited – choices. He could move house. He now had an additional property, and additional money. He could move into Helena’s flat and discover a new neighbourhood. But he knew that he would soon become restless: the problem of the enclosing walls would soon return. He could marry one of the two women whom chance had put in his way. This had certain advantages, but equally certain disadvantages. If he married Sarah he would have to live with the verdict on his character which she had so unhesitatingly delivered. He would have to live with her poor health, whether real or imaginary, and thus condemn himself to a lifetime of care. This was well within his capabilities but no more attractive than his own condition, which, as time progressed, would claim all his attention. Or he could marry Mrs Gardner, with whom he was barely compatible. The advantage of this was nebulous but persuasive. Should any accident befall him – and this was increasingly likely, given his age – she would use her not inconsiderable initiative in contriving favourable circumstances, would commission doctors, specialists, private treatments, would appoint nurses, housekeepers, and thus to a certain extent care for him. His money would ensure her loyalty. This thought, grim but practical, seemed the more pragmatic choice, though he knew that both parties would enter into it with a reluctance that would soon become evident. He was surprised to discover that Mrs Gardner had the edge in these deliberations, though for the

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